This week I launched a YouTube channel. After asking friends and the good folks on social media what kind of content they were curious to see in a video, the number one question I got was, “What does a typical day look like for you?”
I was curious the thinking behind that. I wondered why someone would want to know. No offense, I really haven’t been wondering what a typical day looks like for you. But I went ahead and recorded the video. After reviewing the completed video, I noticed something I didn’t expect.
I realized I did not want to let others in on my day-to-day activities.
Viewing my day from an outsider’s perspective reminded me how a typical day for me is confined to pretty much the same routine every single day.
But the most frustrating part?
Seeing myself on the screen.
I tend to forget my physical limitations and the toll it takes on my body, as well as how it affects my day-to-day life. I was shocked at first. Has my lack of sleep and anti-spasticity medication intake affected me that much? I often feel the effects, but seeing my crooked neck on the screen and my red, puffy eyes from sleep deprivation staring back at the camera led to insecurity.
I have noticed that it’s often hard to focus on the person in front of me and I sometimes end up feeling lost or zoned out or just flat-out exhausted. But listening to myself talk on the screen, I realized I was nowhere near as articulate as I’d like to be. I wasn’t communicating my thoughts exactly how I would like.
Being my own worst critic, I wanted to go back and re-film the whole thing.
Anxiety set in as I wondered how other people would view me. Initially there was a sense of humiliation getting filmed as a 27-year-old in my bedroom down the hall from my parents, needing my fiancée to feed me, and being reliant on a team of women to get me up for the day. I came to a place in which I wanted to write off this YouTube channel undertaking all together.
Feeling beat up physically leads to a lack of confidence in how I present myself to cyberspace. I felt that I could not meet the proverbial bar I had set for myself to have it all together and produce interesting content, let alone speak in a way that portrays confidence.
So why the decision to go ahead and share?
I’m finally learning to give myself grace.
Are my family and friends expecting me to be at the top of my game in the midst of a taxing year on my body? Is God looking down, judging me on whether or not I live up to a certain set of expectations regardless of my physical capacity? Absolutely not.
So I will continue to share. I will continue opening up my life to the outside world to peek into, showing how God can take a dire situation and create an opportunity for hope, for a life worth living, and for a sense of purpose being found.
Here’s my Day in the Life of Ryan Atkins video, inviting you into my world.
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