People started dropping off one by one.
Friends that used to adamantly pray for healing or talk about future interactions with the hope of my physical abilities returning to me transitioned to making it clear they believe being reliant on a wheelchair is a permanent fixture for my future.
One friend recently danced around the subject. With a voice full of skepticism, they finally mustered up, “You know how you used to say you believed you would walk again…Do you still believe that?”
You could hear the pity in their voice.
No, time passing does not mean I’ve given up hope. In fact, the more time that passes, the more I realize how little depends on my doing, but rather physical healing depends completely on God’s power to be possible.
I’ve started to sense a stigma that it isn’t godly to seek physical healing. I should be content with the fact that a perfect healing is coming one day in heaven, right?
I’m curious where this came from.
Jesus healed many. He even asked the blind man, “What do you want me to do for you?” When the blind man said, “I want to see,” Jesus didn’t scold him and lecture him on not being spiritual enough to wait for heaven. He healed him.
I’m not saying everyone gets healed on this side of heaven and by no means do I understand how it all works. But in Luke 18, Jesus teaches his disciples to continue praying and not give up. I plan to follow that model.
Does that mean I’m shaking my fist at God until he does something? Not at all. Rather, I want to follow the words of 1 Peter 4:19: “Those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.”
When days get tough, I want my mindset to be on a verse like this, trusting God is ultimately using the fatigue, frustration, and pain for ultimate good. Some days it’s easier than others.
In addition, Stephanie and I are still moving forward planning a wedding. I still want to prioritize meeting with high school guys. I’m finally getting a chance to dive into some work in the field of real estate. I’m not simply sitting around waiting for physical healing.
But I heard a story about two farmers that desperately needed rain. Both prayed for rain, but only one went out and prepared his fields each day to receive it. The question is, who trusted God more to actually send the rain?
I aim to continue preparing my fields for physical breakthrough, and trusting God with the rest.
Join me, feel bad for me, whatever you want to do. While I’m not going to put my life on hold, you can bet I’m not giving up on the belief that Jesus will allow me to walk again. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results, I’m insane and I’m not afraid to admit it.
I want to continue to live in the tension of trusting God and pushing forward in the midst of trial instead of just sitting around waiting for breakthrough, but at the same time do what Jesus taught: Pray and not give up.
It’s always helpful to remind myself just how far God has brought me already. The video below documents my physical progress over the past 6+ years, and what I believe is still ahead:
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